[New-Poetry] Forever Let Go

[TheOldMole]

There are just a couple of things I'd cut.

"neither old nor new, but familiar" -- if it's familiar, and neither old 
nor new, maybe you don't need to say that. A wild drive that's pegged is 
strong enough, gets your message across.


"Heights of ambition" is a bit of a cliche, and not needed -- the flight 
above Kilimanjaro has its own resonance. Maybe not "soar" either -- 
"wings" and "soar" fit together a little too easily, and it's not a word 
often used in any other phrase.

And the clinching of trophies to me is so much stronger than the dream 
of flight -- you don't need the dream, you have the actuality.


It's always easy to tell people to cut things out of a poem, so much so 
that lately I've become hesitant about doing it. But so often as poets 
we're afraid that we mght not have gotten our point across, and if we 
just say a little more...


Sigauke, Emmanuel wrote:
> Fellow poets, 
>
>
>  
>
> Could you please provide feedback on the poem below?  What's working, and what's not. Does is sound interesting to you. Does it grab your attention? Is it a waste of your time? 
>
>  
>
> Thank you in advance. 
>
>
>  
>
>
> FOREVER LET ME GO <http://sigaukepoetry.blogspot.com/2007/10/forever-let-me-go.html>  
>
>
>  
>
>
> Celebrate this surge of confidence,
>
>
> the roar of a lion
>
>
> that has not leapt for prey
>
>
> for far too long, impetus 
>
>
> splintering the dome of despair.  
>
> Now that I can declare you, wild drive,
> now that you have pegged your home 
> neither old nor new, but familiar, 
> Let    me     go. 
>
>
>
> Give me wings to soar
>
> above the Kilimanjaro heights of ambition
> to look down and declare in turn
>
> the eruption of rivers, the swell of oceans
>
> as mountains dance to the clap of my wings. 
>
>  
>
> Give me the courage to traverse the paths
>
> Which you walked, long before I knew
>
> There would be voices rioting for my attention, 
>
> Long before I dreamt about flight
>
> The clinching of trophies; long before I knew
>
> The sound of the victory chorus.
>
>
> ________________________________
>
> From: new-poetry-bounces at wiz.cath.vt.edu on behalf of Anny Ballardini
> Sent: Sun 3/23/2008 2:11 PM
> To: New Poetry
> Subject: [New-Poetry] Manual Handling
>
>
> I do not know if it will be the same for you, but I just kept on laughing inside:
>  
> Mr. James Davies is interested in our safety.
>
> See how:
>
> http://www.beardofbees.com/davies.html <http://www.beardofbees.com/davies.html> 
>
> Best,
>
>
> Eric Elshtain
> Editor
> Beard of Bees Press
> http://www.beardofbees.com <http://www.beardofbees.com/> 
>  
> ________________________________
>
> Anny Ballardini
> http://annyballardini.blogspot.com/
> http://www.fieralingue.it/modules.php?name=poetshome
> http://www.moriapoetry.com/ebooks.html
> I Tell You: One must still have chaos in one to give birth to a dancing star! 
>
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
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-- 
Tad Richards
http://www.opus40.org/tadrichards/
http://opusforty.blogspot.com/

The moral is this: in American verse,
The better you are, the pay is worse.
  --Corey Ford