[New-Poetry] Poetic dialogue?

[Anny Ballardini]

I support Linda Sue Grimes' vision.
Did I hear Baudelaire mentioned before? My first thought was that this was a bad copy of his style. And there is nothing worse than a bad copy of a beloved poet. I am sure Raven has much to say, but she should try to find her own feelings first and then her own way of expressing them.

All the best,
Anny
  ----- Original Message ----- 
  From: Linda Sue Grimes 
  To: NewPoetry: Contemporary Poetry News &Views 
  Sent: Wednesday, December 27, 2006 12:49 PM
  Subject: Re: [New-Poetry] Poetic dialogue?


  Dear Raven,

  Unlike the others, I do not see that you have used too many modifiers in this piece.  It does have a number grammar errors, but the most serious problem for me as reader is that it sounds like an exercise and not a finished poem, but as I say in #5 you have a lot of company in contemporary poetry in this regard.  Here are some of my suggestions: 

  1.  Why do you call it "dialogue"?  It's not even conversation, and a dialogue requires two voices.  
  2.  "Here lays the ruins from embezzled love"  --  You mean "Here lay the ruins"  or if you want present tense  "lie".
  3.  "loves return" should be "love's return"
  4.  "will dream of its depart"  "departure" depart is a verb
  5.  "Intimacy must know my stories to touch the treasured forbidden pulse."  I'd love hear a paraphrase of this line.
  6.  This kind of stuff sounds fake to me.  As if the writer just put down on paper anything that popped into his/her head.  But in this you have a lot company in contemporary poetry.  So your grammar/usage errors could be intentional for all the reader can tell.

  Hope this helps.

  Blessings,
  Linda Sue Grimes
  Poetry http://poetry.suite101.com






    ----- Original Message ----- 
    From: Rebuketheworld at aol.com 
    To: new-poetry at wiz.cath.vt.edu 
    Sent: Tuesday, December 26, 2006 4:04 AM
    Subject: [New-Poetry] Poetic dialogue?



    Its been interesting following the feedback others give here. I would feel insanely grateful for any feedback you would have for my poetic dialogue. I can't say if a box fits me but this is what inspires me. I am grown up enough to take criticism so I appreciated your time. 
    Best regards, Raven Smith


    16- Random Thoughts Connected...

    In my dreams, a chateau took form. Native to what was to come my fingers cast the arsonist as its masterpiece.  Long suffering did not know the pucker of a vanishing tongue for I was the hearer of illusions, kissing nightmares under creaky doorways.  Unburdened, I once danced to expected loves return. As sweet camouflage played, the attending antiquity was born in walls. Applauding mirrors mesmerize imitations in such a way that the enduring flair of an outsider carries sanity to the flame.  How eerie it is to find myself emptied by wisdom, sitting alone as reflection paints anew. Intimacy must know my stories to touch the treasured forbidden pulse. Can’t I paraphrase the finale of my loathing that you might know enough? Here lays the ruins from embezzled love and yet look at how magnificent it all is.  The crumbling walls will illuminate what’s caged and fallen and the splinter will dream of its depart.



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